communication

The Power to Choose Our Feelings

October 21, 2018 By Kathie Z

A few years back, I heard this quote, “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, I thought, wow. That’s some powerful stuff. You go, Eleanor. I loved the idea of holding one’s own space. I was at a point in my life where I’d become comfortable with my adult self and I found this quote inspiring.

But lately, this quote has been bothering me. As a mother and educator of small children, I’ve been thinking, now wait a minute, Eleanor. Were you suggesting what I think you were? That each of us is solely responsible for our self-esteem? Maybe grown people, adults. What about the children?

I knew Eleanor was an advocate for children. Perhaps, I thought, I’d been reading the quote wrong, attributing meaning where there was none. So, I did what I so often do when something bugs me, I go in search of information. Which means I did a quick Google search. And I found a story tied to this quote on the website, quoteinvestigator.

Mrs. Roosevelt’s original quote, it seems, had been part of a longer response to a reporter’s question about a situation where snub may or may not have occurred to a government official. When Mrs. Roosevelt was asked to weigh in on the situation, she (in my opinion) answered quite diplomatically. First, she said (and I’m paraphrasing) the snub had to have been made intentionally in order for it to have even been perceived as a snub. Mrs. Roosevelt went on to say that when we, the ones on the receiving end of a confusing, possibly offensive interaction are feeling unsure of ourselves, it is easy to feel insulted, marginalized.

In essence, she was saying we have the power to let a comment or action grow, become “a thing,” which can make us feel poorly about ourselves. But when we feel confident, know where we stand, we can laugh at remarks, brush off slights, render them powerless. A few years later, the website said, her remarks were shortened in a Reader’s Digest story, distilled into the famous quote that’s been bugging me so much lately. Hmm.

After mulling it over, I think Eleanor demonstrated kindness and empowerment. How can we ever know the intent of another without asking? But so often we jump to conclusions. Create narratives to explain our feelings away. And in the process, we choose to give our power away, we choose to feel offended.

Going further, I think what Eleanor was essentially saying was that sometimes people do or say things intentionally that make us feel bad. Other times, though, the things people say or do that make us feel crummy are completely unintended. Thoughtless comments, brain-cramps, social whoops.

And it’s up to us, completely in our control, to determine the motivation of the other. Choose how we’re going to respond. Or not respond. We can deem the other person offensive and reestablish a boundary line, disengage or we can recognize their misstep as nothing more than a mistake, choose to meet them with compassion. It’s completely up to us. We can choose to be offended or just to let it go. Wowsa. That’s some serious empowerment! And such a great lesson to teach our kids.

Because think about it; when our kids hurt, we feel their pain just as acutely, sometimes even more. The birthday party our child wasn’t invited to, the recess when there was “nobody” to play with, the playdate our child heard happened without them. All of these things happen. None of them are pleasant. But we adults have the choice to interpret as the incident as a slight or a non-event. And teach our children that they, too, have the power to reflect, feel and choose to feel good about themselves anyway.

In the age of technology and social media, where every moment is shared, it’s so incredibly easy to feel snubbed, question ourselves. And when the icky feelings get stirred up, we need to remind our kids and ourselves of Eleanor’s impactful words. Remember each of us has the power to choose how to feel.

©Kathie Z.

A Birthday Gift

October 13, 2018 By Kathie Z

It’s a cold, rainy, autumn New England day. A stay in your pjs, sip tea kind of day. The kind of day that invites quiet contemplation.

It just so happens today is my daughter’s birthday. It’s her 22^nd, but in a way, it’s another first.

It’s the first birthday she’s celebrating far away from us.

Coming to the realization we wouldn’t be spending this birthday with her was another reminder that she’s grown, on a journey that’s leading her to places unknown. Although I’m incredibly excited for her and the infinite possibilities that exist, I can’t help but reflect on the days gone too soon.

Remembering the bright, sunny day when she’d turned one brings a smile to my face. Dressed in black leggings, a white fleece sweater and a pair of Stride-Rite walking shoes, she’d taken her first steps. She was so proud of herself. I remember feeling a twinge sad then at how fast my baby was growing up. That memory led to the memory of her eleventh birthday. She’d been so confused when we met her at the bus, told her there was a surprise waiting at the house. When she got inside, she found a puppy; small and brown, unnamed, a bow attached to his collar. She sat on the floor, snuggled him. She was so excited, she promised, “I will never ever in my whole life ask you guys for anything else again.” We laughed, knowing her earnest promise was impossible to keep. And last year when she’d turned 21…it had been parent’s weekend at her college. The last we’d attend.

Knowing we’ll be together as a family to celebrate her birthday in a few weeks, my husband and I still wanted her to have a gift from us on her actual birthday. But what? We went back and forth discussing options. There were things every young person needs when they leave home. Things like furniture and rugs. Stuff everyone needs when they’re just starting out. But those were just “things.” Things that she’d collect piece by piece, accumulate over time. Replace when they were no longer useful.

We decided to choose the option that would bring her the most happiness.

And then it occurred to me. It didn’t matter what we sent her. Not really. Because over the course of the last 22 years, she’d received the most tremendous gift of all. From a whole bunch of us; her family, teachers, professors, mentors, and friends. Each one of us had made small contributions in the forms of encouragement, empathy, and love that had accumulated, grown-amounted to most valuable gift of all; worthiness.

Making deposits, increasing a child’s self-worth can be done quickly, simply. By sharing a kind word, a smile. Being an engaged listener; keeping quiet, nodding in understanding. Clearly communicating expectations while tolerating mistakes, turning them into learning opportunities…

In a million small ways, day after day, we adults can affect positive change by helping our kids to grow their own sense of worthiness. Because in the end, isn’t that what we all want? To know we’ve given the kids the tools to live their lives with confidence, creativity and compassion?

I can’t think of a better gift.

©Kathie Z.

The Importance of Teaching Boundary Building

October 6, 2018 By Kathie Z

Boundaries. They’re essential to living a happy life, one in which we feel safe; physically and emotionally. We all build them. Eventually. After lots and lots of practice.

The clearly defined, non-negotiable set of rights and wrongs: work hard, tell the truth, don’t take what’s not yours, use your manners were handed to me by my parents and their friends. This set of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors were communicated well, passed to me and my peers as a set of expectations, a code of conduct.

Although we were taught to play fair, do what’s right, I don’t ever recall being taught explicitly how to either define my personal boundaries or protect them. That’s why it takes so many of us years, decades even to define our own boundary lines, protect them when others trespass.

I find it odd that the boundaries around time, space, and self-image are mentioned, hinted at, but not explicitly taught to children as self-care. I believe boundary setting is essential for all of our children and it can be taught like brushing teeth, tying shoes, and reading; bit by bit with lots of opportunities for practice provided.

So how can we do this? Well, in primary classes, we teach children to define their space bubbles and stay in them. Some of us, myself most certainly, need larger space bubbles. But defining our space bubbles, our safe amount of personal space isn’t enough. Our children need to be taught how to verbalize in an assertive, respectful way when others get too close, make them feel uncomfortable. A strategy I utilize is one I was taught decades ago during a conflict-resolution training; the I Statement. I Statements are easy for little kids and they work wonders. They empower the child delivering the message to use their voice, claiming their boundaries while maintaining the dignity of the child who has over-stepped. The structure of an I Statement is as follows: (child’s name) I feel when you (state the action) and I’d like you to (name a replacement behavior). Kinda easy, right? And incredibly empowering.

We parents can help our kids build their confidence to speak up when we reinforce this strategy at home. It separates the behavior from the person, minimizing shouting and shame while reminding our children that mistakes are expected and accepted. And although consequences will likely be given, forgiveness will be, too. Self-images are protected.

But sometimes things happen, things we have no control over and boundaries are crossed without permission, our kids are hurt by others. Their hurt becomes our hurt. And as hard as it is, we need to remember it is our job as parents to lead by example: encourage our children to use their voices, share their experience with us while we listen calmly, non-judgmentally. Console with love and acknowledge the bravery exhibited to speak rather than remaining silent. And then we help jumpstart the healing process by guiding our children to reestablish their boundaries and strengthen them.

We need to model boundary setting, too. Engage in the essential self-care of setting limits, maintaining them, especially when doing so feels “selfish.” Because our kids are watching, listening. Learning.

©Kathie Z.

Parting Words

September 3, 2018 By Kathie Z

I stood at the dismissal door waving, a smile on my face. “Have a great weekend! See you Tuesday!” I was exhausted, yet exhilarated. Like always, the first few days had flown by and life had shifted into high gear. I knew my students were tired, too. Because the first few days of school are hard. Adjusting to a new grade, new expectations, and a new teacher takes a lot of energy. As I sent my students home for the long weekend, I wanted my them to leave feeling happy, cared for, excited for what’s yet to come. And I wanted them to know they would be welcomed enthusiastically when they returned.

Educators and parents alike know how important the start of each new school year is. The first few days are critical. We have a few days to get things right, set the stage for what’s to come. That’s why huge chunks of time are dedicated to creating a classroom community and establishing routines. Routines, we know, not only maximize student learning, but they promote feelings of safety and security as our students learn what to expect at various times, while learning what is expected of them.

In and out of the classroom I embrace routine. Because there are so many “have tos” and “want tos” in life but a finite number of hours. Established routines help us use the precious commodity time efficiently, allocate minutes and hours, use them mindfully. And one of the most precious of minutes in our school day, in my opinion, is dismissal.

As adults, we’re all familiar with the phrase, “famous last words.” Many of us can quote final lines from favorite movies and books. Likewise, lots of us can conjure memories of parting words from people who mattered; a special neighbor, a dear school friend, a family member who really understood us, a parent. Their words left an imprint. Most of us can name a teacher who made a lasting impression on us too, because of something they said in parting.

When my girls were little, there never seemed to be enough time. Our morning routine followed Swiss clock precision. The moment the alarm clock buzzed Monday through Friday, each minute was accounted for. My kids quickly learned that there was no “being late to school,” no dawdling. Each morning as I headed out the door, I called, “Be good today. Learn lots. I love you.” On good mornings, when all ran smoothly, my goodbye was sing-songy. On bumpy mornings…not so much. The words blended into one. Regardless the delivery, I wanted my girls to hear the same message: have fun, make friends, be happy, be curious, engaged, ask questions, persevere when things get hard and remember, you are loved.

Day after day, my children heard the same thing. Three simple phrases, intentionally crafted and communicated. Be good. Do good. Love you. It was our goodbye ritual. Which I believe set them up for a great day.

When they left for college, my girls each established a phone routine with my husband and me. We could look forward to Friday night phone calls from our younger daughter, Saturday morning from our elder. They filled us in on highlights from their weeks, successes and struggles. As each conversation came to a close, I made sure to end with an encouraging word, an acknowledgement of effort, an I love you. With my children hours away, I rediscovered the incredible power of our parting words.

This made me rethink classroom dismissal. Dismissal was my least favorite time of the day. It was often rushed, hectic. But understanding the power of parting words, I knew there was room for improvement in my dismissal process. Didn’t I want my students to leave feeling positive about the work they’d done? Acknowledged for the contributions they’d made? Excited to return? Of course, I did. So, I revised my farewell. “Good night. You did great work today. See you tomorrow.”

Like the ritual I’d established with my own two children, the good bye I said to each of my students at dismissal time carried meaning. I wished them fun, happiness, had noticed their efforts and let them know I was looking forward to seeing them again the next day. Simple phrases that packed a lot of meaning. And for the kids who had a not-so-great day? Well, I’ve adapted a favorite line from one of my favorite picture books, Lily’s Purple Plastic Purse, by Kevin Henkes. “I know today was difficult. Tomorrow will be better.” I love these words because of their directness; reassurance that mistakes are expected and accepted, the promise of a brand new day to try again.

I realized that it took seconds to wish every child a good night, provide personalized encouragement, share a smile as they filed past. The parting words let my students know that I’d noticed, that they mattered. These positive feelings carry over into the next day and the day after that, creating an environment of trust and risk-taking. What a gift.

©Kathie Z.

The Encouragement’s on the Wall

August 15, 2018 By Kathie Z

Every profession has its jargon and my field, education, has lots. One term we teachers hear used a lot is “literacy-rich environment,” sometimes referred to as “text-rich environment.” Educators invest time and energy creating literacy-rich classroom environments to promote literacy, a cornerstone of academic success and life-long learning.

So, what exactly constitutes a literacy-rich environment, you may wonder? Well, according to the experts, a literacy-rich environment is a classroom that has lots and lots of things for kids to read-ranging from calendars and schedules to books and magazines, as well as instructional posters and teaching charts, to name a few. A literacy-rich environment includes a wide variety of writing materials, as well. “Writing materials” encompasses everything from the expected classroom writing tools, paper and pencil to markers, crayons, chalk, dry-erase boards and rubber stamps. There are so many ways we teachers can cultivate our spaces to inspire and support student literacy.

The other day I prepared my daughter’s bedroom for her weekend visit home. As I dusted and tidied, I looked at her space with a critical eye. Not very surprising, her room is a text-book example of an incredibly literacy-rich environment. We’d fostered a love of reading, writing and self-expression in our home, so it was no surprise to find she’d filled her space, made it engaging, inviting the visitor to “read the room.” On one wall there are shelves filled with novels and textbooks, on another a bulletin board with handwritten notes and acceptance letters, a poster sized map of New York City. Another wall in her room is a massive chalkboard filled with doodles and some of her favorite quotes collected from books and artists. Reading my daughter’s room made me smile, appreciating the gift of the person who curated this space. I realized this is the space of an engaged learner, but more importantly, it also the private space of an inspired, brave, feeling person. The items she’s collected and displayed provide her with artistic inspiration and encouragement to put herself and her work out in the greater world.

Then it hit me, her room is what I call an “encouragement-rich environment”! Curious, I decided to take an observation walk around the house. (This is a learning activity in which teachers lead students on a walk, typically around the school, encouraging them to look closely, notice things in their environment and make discoveries.) In a matter of minutes, I found my daughter’s room was not unique in being encouragement-rich. I found evidence of inspiring, “you can do its” in just about every space. Postcards with trust your gut sayings are pinned to the kitchen bulletin board. Mugs stored in the cabinet declare, “You are my Sunshine.” Our daughters’ original art hangs on the walls, beautifying the space while validating their life choices. In our office, a sign states that “Good things come to those who create.” In the living room, a book shelf is filled with novels by authors whose stories of perseverance while navigating the publication process serves as my personal motivator. Encouragement abounds in our house.

I thought about the choices I’d made when decorating our house to create an environment that was safe, but promoted creativity and risk taking. I thought of the pillow I’d bought encouraging my daughter to “believe in her dreams,” pursue a career in the arts, the coffee-table book of successful, contemporary female artists that both of my daughters received one Christmas.

After walking through our house, I realized it’s nearly impossible to escape encouraging words. And this makes me so happy. I thought about when my girls were little, when I told them to “use their words,” express themselves. I see that I had been doing just that, too. Using words. Not only to bolster my daughters’ literacy skills and promote a love of learning, but to encourage and lift them up.

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