confidence

The Power to Choose Our Feelings

October 21, 2018 By Kathie Z

A few years back, I heard this quote, “Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, I thought, wow. That’s some powerful stuff. You go, Eleanor. I loved the idea of holding one’s own space. I was at a point in my life where I’d become comfortable with my adult self and I found this quote inspiring.

But lately, this quote has been bothering me. As a mother and educator of small children, I’ve been thinking, now wait a minute, Eleanor. Were you suggesting what I think you were? That each of us is solely responsible for our self-esteem? Maybe grown people, adults. What about the children?

I knew Eleanor was an advocate for children. Perhaps, I thought, I’d been reading the quote wrong, attributing meaning where there was none. So, I did what I so often do when something bugs me, I go in search of information. Which means I did a quick Google search. And I found a story tied to this quote on the website, quoteinvestigator.

Mrs. Roosevelt’s original quote, it seems, had been part of a longer response to a reporter’s question about a situation where snub may or may not have occurred to a government official. When Mrs. Roosevelt was asked to weigh in on the situation, she (in my opinion) answered quite diplomatically. First, she said (and I’m paraphrasing) the snub had to have been made intentionally in order for it to have even been perceived as a snub. Mrs. Roosevelt went on to say that when we, the ones on the receiving end of a confusing, possibly offensive interaction are feeling unsure of ourselves, it is easy to feel insulted, marginalized.

In essence, she was saying we have the power to let a comment or action grow, become “a thing,” which can make us feel poorly about ourselves. But when we feel confident, know where we stand, we can laugh at remarks, brush off slights, render them powerless. A few years later, the website said, her remarks were shortened in a Reader’s Digest story, distilled into the famous quote that’s been bugging me so much lately. Hmm.

After mulling it over, I think Eleanor demonstrated kindness and empowerment. How can we ever know the intent of another without asking? But so often we jump to conclusions. Create narratives to explain our feelings away. And in the process, we choose to give our power away, we choose to feel offended.

Going further, I think what Eleanor was essentially saying was that sometimes people do or say things intentionally that make us feel bad. Other times, though, the things people say or do that make us feel crummy are completely unintended. Thoughtless comments, brain-cramps, social whoops.

And it’s up to us, completely in our control, to determine the motivation of the other. Choose how we’re going to respond. Or not respond. We can deem the other person offensive and reestablish a boundary line, disengage or we can recognize their misstep as nothing more than a mistake, choose to meet them with compassion. It’s completely up to us. We can choose to be offended or just to let it go. Wowsa. That’s some serious empowerment! And such a great lesson to teach our kids.

Because think about it; when our kids hurt, we feel their pain just as acutely, sometimes even more. The birthday party our child wasn’t invited to, the recess when there was “nobody” to play with, the playdate our child heard happened without them. All of these things happen. None of them are pleasant. But we adults have the choice to interpret as the incident as a slight or a non-event. And teach our children that they, too, have the power to reflect, feel and choose to feel good about themselves anyway.

In the age of technology and social media, where every moment is shared, it’s so incredibly easy to feel snubbed, question ourselves. And when the icky feelings get stirred up, we need to remind our kids and ourselves of Eleanor’s impactful words. Remember each of us has the power to choose how to feel.

©Kathie Z.

A Birthday Gift

October 13, 2018 By Kathie Z

It’s a cold, rainy, autumn New England day. A stay in your pjs, sip tea kind of day. The kind of day that invites quiet contemplation.

It just so happens today is my daughter’s birthday. It’s her 22^nd, but in a way, it’s another first.

It’s the first birthday she’s celebrating far away from us.

Coming to the realization we wouldn’t be spending this birthday with her was another reminder that she’s grown, on a journey that’s leading her to places unknown. Although I’m incredibly excited for her and the infinite possibilities that exist, I can’t help but reflect on the days gone too soon.

Remembering the bright, sunny day when she’d turned one brings a smile to my face. Dressed in black leggings, a white fleece sweater and a pair of Stride-Rite walking shoes, she’d taken her first steps. She was so proud of herself. I remember feeling a twinge sad then at how fast my baby was growing up. That memory led to the memory of her eleventh birthday. She’d been so confused when we met her at the bus, told her there was a surprise waiting at the house. When she got inside, she found a puppy; small and brown, unnamed, a bow attached to his collar. She sat on the floor, snuggled him. She was so excited, she promised, “I will never ever in my whole life ask you guys for anything else again.” We laughed, knowing her earnest promise was impossible to keep. And last year when she’d turned 21…it had been parent’s weekend at her college. The last we’d attend.

Knowing we’ll be together as a family to celebrate her birthday in a few weeks, my husband and I still wanted her to have a gift from us on her actual birthday. But what? We went back and forth discussing options. There were things every young person needs when they leave home. Things like furniture and rugs. Stuff everyone needs when they’re just starting out. But those were just “things.” Things that she’d collect piece by piece, accumulate over time. Replace when they were no longer useful.

We decided to choose the option that would bring her the most happiness.

And then it occurred to me. It didn’t matter what we sent her. Not really. Because over the course of the last 22 years, she’d received the most tremendous gift of all. From a whole bunch of us; her family, teachers, professors, mentors, and friends. Each one of us had made small contributions in the forms of encouragement, empathy, and love that had accumulated, grown-amounted to most valuable gift of all; worthiness.

Making deposits, increasing a child’s self-worth can be done quickly, simply. By sharing a kind word, a smile. Being an engaged listener; keeping quiet, nodding in understanding. Clearly communicating expectations while tolerating mistakes, turning them into learning opportunities…

In a million small ways, day after day, we adults can affect positive change by helping our kids to grow their own sense of worthiness. Because in the end, isn’t that what we all want? To know we’ve given the kids the tools to live their lives with confidence, creativity and compassion?

I can’t think of a better gift.

©Kathie Z.

Opportunities are Like Tomatoes

September 22, 2018 By Kathie Z

Raising courageous, confident kids is hard. It’s the hardest work we will ever do. Because, I think, there’s so much at stake.

Without a doubt, educating and empowering kids is my calling, my life’s work for my own two children and the students I’ve taught and continue to teach. Over the years, I’ve honed my craft, curated a well-stocked tool box, and refined my practice. That said, the process doesn’t get any easier, the task remains challenging. I’ve learned, though, we get better over time with lots of practice. And continuous learning.

That’s why I read so much. Books to build growth mindset, books about resilience, books about taking action and living your best life, fulfilling your purpose. I gravitate to work that is presented with a blend of personal anecdotes and research based-evidence.

These past few weeks, I’ve been rereading Mel Robbins’ the 5 Second Rule. In her book, Ms. Robbins explores the trap of over-thinking and creating a negative, fear-based narrative that pushes so many of us into inaction and becoming stuck. Having become stuck herself, Ms. Robbins developed a simple five second strategy for action. Backed by neuroscience, her process for acting on good ideas has been transformative for lots of over-thinkers.

The fact that I was reading the 5 Second Rule while my daughter was simultaneously preparing for her first art show post-college and interviewing for a job in higher education was pure serendipity. As an educator, I know the research on parents being their child’s primary source of influence. And here she was, living under our roof again for the first time in four years. Navigating an incredibly stressful time with her parents in the next room, keeping tabs on the progress of both her show and job search. Yikes!

My husband and I tried our best to be supportive, but I’m pretty sure we hovered. As a writer, I know that putting yourself and your creative work out into the world can be dauntingly scary. The same can be said for working in a more traditional field, as well. The fear of judgment can become a terrible deterrent. The imagined scenarios of failure and the uncertainty of what if are confidence-eroders. We tried to support her in the best way; making ourselves available to answer her questions, offer advice only when solicited and keep the fridge stocked with good food.

A few days before the show I arrived home from work. Her best high school friend was visiting, offering moral support. She, too, was in the process of finding her first post-college job. She, too, was navigating the stressful process of interviewing and waiting. My daughter had had a phone interview for an amazing job a few days earlier. She’d been told the process would move quickly, but she’d been playing phone tag with the college for the past 24 hours. She’d made the last call so it was her turn to receive a call back. But her phone hadn’t rung, cell service in our house undependable. The end of the business day was drawing near and her time was at a premium. The art show was going up in two days. Would she need to make the four hour drive for an in-person interview? The timing was terrible. But all signs pointed to this being an amazing opportunity. So, I butted in.

“You need to Mel Robbins this thing.”

“What?” she said.

“Five second rule it. You call back,” I said.

“Yeah,” my husband chimed in.

“You really should,’ her friend joined in.

“Pick up your phone,” I said. “If you get voice mail, you get voice mail. You’ll leave a message. Then it’s up to them.”

Then I counted down. “Five, four, three, two, one, go!” I pointed to the door.

She headed out to the back porch with her phone. She made the call. And arranged an interview!

“Aren’t you glad you five seconded it?” I said when she shared her news.

“I guess so,” she said.

In the whirlwind of three days, she traveled 500 miles, interviewed for a great job and exhibited in a juried art show. She faced her fears, worked through discomfort and experienced success.

A few days after the interview, she was offered the job. She packed up her car and made the four hour drive to a small college town to start the new phase of her life. As she pulled away, she smiled her broad smile. She looked like a young Mary Tyler Moore, heading into the world on her own. I thought of the theme song to the show, “Love is All Around.” Like Mary, she was headed off into the unknown. I knew there’d be an adjustment but I know in my heart she is going to not only make it, she is going to thrive.

This morning I stood at the kitchen counter, reflecting on the whirlwind of the past week, how our daughter’s life had jettisoned in just a few days. My husband and I have been empty nesters for two years and we’ve embraced it. Realizing that our oldest was actually an adult who was living far away hit me. I was so happy for her, but a twinge sad.

I reached for the tomato I’d placed on the windowsill the night before. It was still a little yellow so I figured I’d save it for my lunch, give it another day to ripen. But overnight it had developed a bunch of black spots that radiated from the center. I’d waited too long and it had gone bad. Then it occurred to me. Opportunities are like tomatoes on the vine. They take time to ripen, but they need to be picked at just the right time. Enjoyed. If we wait too long, don’t act, then the opportunity will pass. So will the joy. I planted these tomatoes from seed in April. Finally, in September, they are ready to be picked and enjoyed. Right then and there. Foolishly, I had waited, let the opportunity pass.

I smiled at the irony. Had my daughter waited for the call back, didn’t act, let the call go to voicemail due to unpredictable phone service; who knows what would have happened? Perhaps her opportunity would have withered on the vine, maybe been picked by someone else who was waiting, ready. But she’d acted, made the call, “picked the tomato.” Chosen to enjoy it. Without over-thinking.

May this be the first of many tomatoes she picks at their peak.

©Kathie Z.

One Hundred Days

February 7, 2018 By Kathie Z

We educators may seem a bit time obsessed. In our world, every single minute counts. Literally. We plan our lessons to the minute, use timers to stay on task, and make every attempt to transition smoothly and swiftly. We even have bells that ring at key points in our day to remind us it’s time to start or stop or be somewhere.

Time is constantly moving and there are many days I feel like Lucy in the chocolate factory; trying to accomplish as much as I can in the precious minutes I’m given each day. Because we have so much to do, so many concepts and skills to teach. Before we send our students on to learn more, do more, soar higher.

This week we reached a milestone, the 100^th day of school. The 100^th day is one of the best days of the year. It’s a fun-filled, celebratory day. A day of reflection and acknowledgement. We marvel at how far we’ve come together, how much we’ve accomplished.

I love this day because I get to experience the wide eyes and broad smiles from students as they realize they’ve overcome fears and developed tangible skills. To see a child discover that she no longer struggles to read or complete math problems is a powerful thing to witness.

In our second grade classroom, the 100^th day of school is one of joy. A day where we take stock of all of the effort invested, take time to acknowledge individual accomplishments and shared successes.

Coincidentally, this week marks 100 days for my oldest daughter, as well. This week she starts the 100 day countdown to graduation. In a matter of months, my daughter will be a college graduate.

For me, her mother, it’s exciting to consider what lays ahead. I’d love to say it’s the same for my daughter, but her excitement is tempered by the presence of the unknown. And as we know, the unknown can be the source of a lot of stress. And this stress can lead to a full-on crisis of confidence.

Sensing her ambivalence, I instinctively steered towards compassion rather than offering my usual next step problem solving suggestions of “Link in with so and so,” “Go to career services,” or “Reach out to your advisor.” Knowing that this daughter forms her beliefs based on evidence, I took the tactic I take with my seven year old students when they are experiencing self-doubt, questioning their capabilities. I told her to reflect on all that she’d accomplished and write her successes down.

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” she dismissed. But I persisted. “No, I’m serious. My kids at school are doing this this week. It will give them the sense of pride and motivation to tackle even harder things.”

“No, I will,” she said. “It is a good idea.”

I heard the weariness in her voice. So I started rattling off all of the ways she had demonstrated bravery, pushed past ambivalence, went for it and experienced success; big and small. That got her talking about some challenges she’d long forgotten about. Things that helped her to grow into the amazing young woman she is.

Then I got thinking. Why wait for 100 days to pass before reflecting on accomplishments? What if we engaged in reflection, recognized specific challenges conquered more often? Say monthly or even weekly? And why reserve this review, this celebration for our littlest learners? What if all participated in this exercise, young and not so young? Kept a record of accomplishments to look back on those days when confidence isn’t optimal? I think that would be one powerful practice.

The Things That Matter

October 19, 2017 By Kathie Z

In education when we’re writing curriculum, we often follow a process pioneered by Jay McTighe and Grant Wiggins. Following their process, we “work backwards.” We identify the big ideas, the lasting learning, the concepts we want to stick. Wiggins and McTighe call these “enduring understandings.”

We educators are super thoughtful when identifying specifically what it is we want kids to learn. Then, we ask questions, “essential questions” to inspire learning, encourage reflection, and help students comprehend that what they’re doing is important.

This process called Understanding By Design requires teachers to be mindful in their curriculum writing, purposeful with their allocation of precious time and resources. And it works really well. So well that we remove the fluff and focus on the good stuff. The stuff that a professor of mine dubbed the material that passes the “so what?” test. If we cannot justify why any task is important, then we simply don’t include it.

Then I got to thinking. What if we could sit down, identify the non-academic learning we want our kids to master? The really important things that pass the “so what” test, what I refer to as “the things that matter,” that make our lives full. Full of experiences, joy, a sense of purpose?

And then I thought, why not take what I know about the Understanding by Design model and plug in some enduring understandings and pose some essential questions? It was a lightbulb, aha moment. Of course we could apply McTighe’s and Wiggins’ process of working backwards to inform our parenting!

I brainstormed the key understandings I want to stick with my nearly grown daughters, which incidentally are the same things I want for my students. I want them to feel connected to community, yet independent; self-confident, yet humble; calm, yet enthusiastic.

I started with a UbD template, and plugged in something I want my kids to know. Then I added a question to drive this point home.

Enduring Understanding	Essential Question
People who possess confidence have limitless opportunities.	How do you show self-confidence?

It was a good starting point. But I wasn’t presenting material. I needed my matrix to be more specific, yet general enough for others to use. So, I riffed on McTighe and Wiggins’ framework. Added easy to understand headings. What things, precisely, do we want our kids to learn about life anyhow? What tools do we want them to accumulate? What do we want them to be able to do? And why do these things matter?

Here’s my starting point:

What Do I Want My Child to Know?	What are the necessary tools?	Why does it matter?
Self-confidence can improve with practice.	Eye contact, a calm voice, smiles…	Self-confident people have more opportunities than less-confident people.

Then I thought some more. Something was missing still. I know I want kids to be happy, confident, and successful. I know first-hand how much better life is when anxiety is replaced with confidence. Then I thought, of the Antoine de Saint-Exupery saying, “a goal without a plan is just a dream.” That’s what I needed! My matrix needed an action plan, some suggested steps. So I revised my matrix once more.

What’s the goal for my child?	What tools/skills do they need to accomplish this?	Why does It matter?	What can I do to help make this happen? (possible action steps)	Timeline
I want my child to be self-confident.	Opportunities to practice speaking, developing eye contact, learn through repeated practice.	1. Self-confident people have more opportunities. 2. Confident people are happier.	As a teacher, easy-peasy: provide numerous opportunities to practice speaking in partnerships, small groups, and whole group. Provide verbal feedback on specific growth. As a parent, yikes: Be quiet, don’t force my child into conversation, but let my child speak for herself.	Daily

Then I started plugging in a desire statement, just to see how the matrix worked. When I was filling in my own worksheet, I found my action steps became nifty actionable tip-lists in and of themselves, the heart of becoming type z!

Each month I look forward to sharing specific goals, tips and action steps to helping kids of all ages become their happiest, most confident, type z selves.

confidence

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