Boundaries. They’re essential to living a happy life, one in which we feel safe; physically and emotionally. We all build them. Eventually. After lots and lots of practice.
The clearly defined, non-negotiable set of rights and wrongs: work hard, tell the truth, don’t take what’s not yours, use your manners were handed to me by my parents and their friends. This set of acceptable and unacceptable behaviors were communicated well, passed to me and my peers as a set of expectations, a code of conduct.
Although we were taught to play fair, do what’s right, I don’t ever recall being taught explicitly how to either define my personal boundaries or protect them. That’s why it takes so many of us years, decades even to define our own boundary lines, protect them when others trespass.
I find it odd that the boundaries around time, space, and self-image are mentioned, hinted at, but not explicitly taught to children as self-care. I believe boundary setting is essential for all of our children and it can be taught like brushing teeth, tying shoes, and reading; bit by bit with lots of opportunities for practice provided.
So how can we do this? Well, in primary classes, we teach children to define their space bubbles and stay in them. Some of us, myself most certainly, need larger space bubbles. But defining our space bubbles, our safe amount of personal space isn’t enough. Our children need to be taught how to verbalize in an assertive, respectful way when others get too close, make them feel uncomfortable. A strategy I utilize is one I was taught decades ago during a conflict-resolution training; the I Statement. I Statements are easy for little kids and they work wonders. They empower the child delivering the message to use their voice, claiming their boundaries while maintaining the dignity of the child who has over-stepped. The structure of an I Statement is as follows: (child’s name) I feel when you (state the action) and I’d like you to (name a replacement behavior). Kinda easy, right? And incredibly empowering.
We parents can help our kids build their confidence to speak up when we reinforce this strategy at home. It separates the behavior from the person, minimizing shouting and shame while reminding our children that mistakes are expected and accepted. And although consequences will likely be given, forgiveness will be, too. Self-images are protected.
But sometimes things happen, things we have no control over and boundaries are crossed without permission, our kids are hurt by others. Their hurt becomes our hurt. And as hard as it is, we need to remember it is our job as parents to lead by example: encourage our children to use their voices, share their experience with us while we listen calmly, non-judgmentally. Console with love and acknowledge the bravery exhibited to speak rather than remaining silent. And then we help jumpstart the healing process by guiding our children to reestablish their boundaries and strengthen them.
We need to model boundary setting, too. Engage in the essential self-care of setting limits, maintaining them, especially when doing so feels “selfish.” Because our kids are watching, listening. Learning.
©Kathie Z.